


Fixation

by palhomo



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Comedy, M/M, Romantic Comedy, Smut, Tentabulges, Terrible Sex, Xeno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-14
Updated: 2012-07-14
Packaged: 2017-11-09 23:02:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/459457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/palhomo/pseuds/palhomo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Okay, bulgemunch, check it out. I’m here to answer your completely fucking awful booty call. ‘Booty’ being the most appropriate word possible here, since I swear to God about eighty per cent of those idiotic texts were about my rear. Are you just really that uncreative, or there just some kind of fixation developing here? Haven’t you any shame?”</p><p>John thinks he's awesome at sex. He isn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fixation

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Vena](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vena/gifts).



> So I wrote some comedy Johnkat sex for my girlfriend's birthday.

caught a glimpse of your ass when you left this morning. AMAZING.

it really is a pretty nice butt and i would like to wear it as a hat.

well ok that sounded kind of weird maybe not a hat maybe some other article of clothing?

maybe gloves????????

what i am saying here is that in an ideal world my hands and your ass would never be apart.

like, ever.

your ass is really great ok.

come over tonight? xoxoxox

 

John was the sexting master, it was him. There was pretty much no way he wasn’t. He’d been reading up on tips for this stuff on Cosmo, and if the “FUCK OFF, I’M WORKING.” text he received in reply was any indication, he was totally on the right track here.

Granted, most of the ideas John had picked up from the internet so far had done very little to “enhance their sex lives” as advertised. Trying to incorporate food had just made them both hungry, and any plans for sexy times were quickly abandoned in favour of scoffing the entire contents of the fridge. Another time they had tried out some VERY SEXY ROLEPLAY. But as it turned out, Karkat in a nurse’s outfit was more hilarious than it was sexy. Once John’s laughter had subdued they quickly decided to forgo the typical porn scenario in favour of acting out one of Karkat’s favourite movies. Sadly, Karkat had no patience for John messing up the lines to 50 First Dates and neither of them got laid that night.

Bluh, whatever. There was nothing sexy about pretending to be Adam Sandler to begin with. Worst idea ever!

But that was not important now. It was a Saturday, and Saturday nights were totally the best time to get sexy things done. Karkat his lame, unnecessary Saturday job for most of the day, but that just gave John plenty of time to make preparations. And by preparations, he meant scouring the internet for exciting new things to incorporate, sending Karkat a bunch of sexts, and discussing possible ideas with an incredibly reluctant Dave.

Yup, tonight was going to kick ass.

-xxx-

Karkat was never quite sure whether he was incredibly lucky or incredibly unlucky in landing John as a matesprit/boyfriend. John’s stupid messages he’d been bothering him with ALL DAY (the last being a set of song lyrics he was fairly certain were from a Ke$ha song) had left him both irritated and aroused, and he was heading over to John’s house with no fucking clue what to expect.

Karkat never really knew what to expect when it came to John and sex, but it was pretty much always terrible. He was completely ashamed to find any of his stupid bullshit even remotely attractive, let alone a turn-on. Ugh. He knocked on the door loudly and angrily, as was usual for him.

John opened the door in slow motion. No, it wasn’t Karkat playing out the scene in slow motion in his head, in anticipation of what kind of disastrous stunt John was pulling today. John was literally opening the door as slowly as was possible within the boundaries of physics. Was this supposed to heighten the sexual tension or something? Well, whatever it was supposed to be, it wasn’t fucking working, and Karkat shoved his way into the hallway roughly, scowling at his human “boyfriend”.

“Okay, bulgemunch, check it out. I’m here to answer your completely fucking awful booty call. ‘Booty’ being the most appropriate word possible here, since I swear to God about eighty per cent of those idiotic texts were about my rear. Are you just really that uncreative, or there just some kind of fixation developing here? Haven’t you any shame?”

“Oh yeah Karkat, I am developing such a fixation on your rump.” He gives it a firm grab and honestly Karkat would have been surprised at his boldness if it weren’t for the fact that John pulled this shit _all the time_. Karkat was about to say something anyway, when John started reaching down into one of his front pockets. Oh for fuck’s sake. He was really rooting around it there like he was looking for some spare change, ‘accidentally’ brushing his bulge every so often, only they both knew fully well there wasn’t any damn change in his pocket so Karkat didn’t see why this stupid act was necessary.

“John.”

“Hey, Karkat. Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just-”

“John.”

“Actually, that line doesn’t really work when you’ve got like, a bunch of pantsnakes.”

“John, you’re being an idiot.”

“Haha, I can totally feel it wriggling around in here.”

Well, that much was true. As cringe worthy as his terrible come ons were, John was having an effect on him. _As always_.

“Ugh, let’s just get upstairs already.”

-xxx-

John was basically a master of seduction, he’d decided. The pocket thing was total genius. Cheesy genius. It was important to make sure making their way to the bedroom was still SEXY so they stopped to make out on the stairs a few times. Karkat had John pinned to the wall and was practically glaring into his eyes whilst his tongue invaded his mouth, and it would have been the best thing ever if John’s legs hadn’t gone sort of wobbly and he hadn’t nearly slipped and fallen down the stairs. Man, that must have been the _real_ message in Dave’s comics all along. Don’t try and engage in gay kissing on the stairs; you will fall and die.

So okay, just dragging Karkat up the stairs would probably be safer. Dragging him by the hand was more romantic than SEXY, but Karkat was pretty much all over that stuff so he guessed it was okay. And hell, maybe he kind of was, too. Kind of.

Despite having had nothing to do during the day, John sure as fuck hadn’t bothered tidying his room. Clothes, pranking equipment and a seldom-used hairbrush littered the floor, and the couple had to navigate all the junk to get to the bed. But they made it! Not tripping over again was kind of a major accomplishment, really. But instead of revelling in a private moment of triumph John should probably be focusing on the troll next to him, because they were both sort of sitting on the edge of the bed awkwardly, not really doing anything. And there was nothing SEXY about awkward!

So, putting on his sexiest facial expression (eyebrow quirked, incredibly ‘charming’ smile), John casually ran a hand up his boyfriend’s leg. It hovered about hesitantly for a second, before lightly brushing against his bulge again through the fabric. Karkat arched upwards, and John’s smirk turned into a full blown grin. John leaned forward to kiss him.

John and Karkat had a very strict eyes-open-during-kissing policy. It made everything about a hundred times more romantic and SEXY. Besides, how cool were troll eyes? All glowy and shit. Awesome. It was kind of awkward staring at each other while John unzipped Karkat’s pants, though. Not to mention focusing on kissing properly (kissing Karkat always sort of made his head spin) _and_ handling all those tentacles was kinda difficult! But that wasn’t going to stop John because he was pretty certain that doing just one thing at a time was BORING and NOT SEXY.

Said tentacles were wriggling out of the troll’s pants, now. John couldn’t see what was going on down there (obviously) but he could certainly feel it, and _wow_. He wasn’t sure he’d ever get used to the feeling of one of those slimy appendages coiling round his wrist while another thread through his fingers, and even after all this time it was still really weird. But also… pretty hot! It was like those things had a life of their own, and it was great. John had counted five in total, and he had names for all of them.

He was pretty sure that was Howie snaking his way up John’s arm, now. Howie was totally the one with the farthest reach. The one between his fingers was… Bill, maybe? Or Fred. It could have been both, actually. It was sort of hard to tell just by feel alone! He was sort of wiggling his fingers about, stroking the underside of one with his thumb, but judging from Karkat’s moans, he was doing something right! Karkat was always noisy as fuck, and this was no exception. And he could feel the vibrations on his lips from every noise Karkat made. _Umph_.

The kissing really _was_ kind of distracting, actually, but once he’d pulled away it was just him and Karkat staring at each other while John fondled his bone bulge, which was actually kinda awkward! So he leaned round to the side where he could nip and kiss at the troll’s neck. Maybe try leaving a mark or two? Hickeys were SEXY as fuck. He sucked on a small section of Karkat’s neck, and though his pants-tentacles certainly seemed to appreciate it --Matthew wound his way round John’s wrist that much tighter—he was failing to leave any sort of trace behind on Karkat’s neck. Beyond like, a small patch of saliva. Ugh laaaaame. Giving these things was way harder than the media made it seem.

Okay, screw the neck biting. Time to attempt some _dirty talk_. There was nothing sexier than that, the internet would never lie to him. And naturally, John was an absolute master at it. John was a master of all the sexy things. “So, Karkat,” he whispered in his ear, putting on his most ‘sultry’ tone. John had been practicing his bedroom voice and he wasn’t actually sure if it was all that alluring, but whatever. “What I’m gonna do now is take off like, all my clothes. Even the socks, Karkat. _Even the socks_. And my underpants! So my Earth human bulge will be all out and hard and stuff.” He paused for a second. He couldn’t resist. “Next move is up to you. I may not be as limber as I once was... but yeah, I make up for it with enthusiasm and… willingness to _experiment_.”

Karkat gave John an exasperated look, but he was clearly pretty amused by John’s ever so sexy movie reference, and decided to finish the quote. “Hey, John. I don’t know if you realize. But I’m not into guys.” They looked at each other for a moment, before bursting into laughter at the irony of the line, while kicking off their pants. “John, you need to quit quoting movies in the middle of sex. It’s seriously off-putting.”

John just waggled his eyebrows at him. “You, say that _now_. I was petting my walrus all morning and I was think-” John was cut off form that particular idiotic quote by a fierce kiss from the troll, who was totally cutting off his shirt with his claws. Karkat really needed to stop doing that, he was ruining some of John’s best t-shirts. Alas, his Toy Story shirt was totally unsalvageable.  Although shirt tearing was admittedly pretty SEXY, so maybe he’d forgive Karkat. Again.

His boyfriend was moving his mouth down now, kissing his neck (he didn’t linger there too long, thank fuck) his ears (this kind of drove John all kinds of crazy), his torso, and his hip bones. Oh man, John hoped his meant he was getting a blowjob. It pretty much did, actually. Karkat always went through this whole ‘slowly working his way down’ routine, and it was frankly a total waste of time. Like, wow dude. Quit the overly romantic bullshit and get to the damn blowjob. John decided to just speed the whole BJ-process up and just shoved Karkat’s head in the general direction of his crotch. He was still wearing his boxers, but whatever. Karkat could sort that out. Preferably with his teeth.

The look his got in response to this cunning manoeuvre was NOT an appreciative one. In fact, he looked kind of pissed off! But that was okay, because as far as John was concerned Karkat was totally at his most appealing when _utterly furious_. “John Egbert, be careful what you fucking wish for. I’m going to bite your stupid human bulge right off.” This had been a pretty legitimate fear of John’s when they first got together, what with those fangs, so him bringing it up now was pretty low! Hahaha, low. But his alien boyfriend was now treating him to the angriest blowjob the world had ever seen. He was moving his mouth faster than strictly necessary, his teeth only narrowly avoiding doing some serious damage, and he was _fucking glaring at him_. It was simultaneously both terrifying and incredibly arousing, and it took a conscious effort for John not to blow his load right there. Troll tongues had this really neat texture to them and uh, yeah. It was great.

Much to John’s disappointment, Karkat seemed to realise he wasn’t having quite the desired effect on John. Or maybe he was? What if that was the plan? _To give him a boner_??? Well, joke was on Karkat. Because John already had a boner before any of this blowjob stuff. “Hey, sick fuck. I think you enjoyed that a little too much,” he muttered as he came back up, and John didn’t miss the faint pride in Karkat’s accusation. It sort of made his heart swell with affection, and he craned his head to give his boyfriend a kiss on the cheek.

“Haha, yeah. Love you, assbutt.”

“Ugh. I love you too, fucknuts. Though you’re downright awful at sex, you know.”

“No way! When it comes to sex, I’m simply the best there is. If I was awful, why would you be so CLEARLY INTO IT???” John gestures vaguely to Karkat’s writhing tentacle family.

“Shut up, that’s not an accurate reflection of your skill level. I just have poor taste.”

“You can say that again! Dane. Cook.”

“You freaking love Dane Cook, don’t spout lies at me.”

“Well, okay. Maybe just because of his asshole charm.” John gave him his best saucy wink, and he didn’t look all that impressed, but he looked amused, even if he totally rolled his eyes.

They were repositioning again now, John lying down on the bed while Karkat finished wriggling out of his remaining clothes. Than then he was leaning over John, their chests pressed together, hands interlinked, Karkat’s pants-octopus (or pentapus? whatever) wrapping itself around John’s cock while a few stray tentacles caressed his balls. The two of them took a moment to make sure they were together properly; nothing too tight, nothing being squashed, no legs at awkward angles, and so on. And then they started to move together.

Despite Dave’s repeated insistence that “real gays do it up the butt”, this was the full sex as far as John was concerned. A bunch of tentacle penises jacking him off. And it was _wonderful_.  They were slimey, which was kind of gross, but he had sure as hell gotten used to it. A troll bulge coiling and uncoiling slowly around him and then _squeezing_ was the best sensation. Honestly, who knew humans and trolls would be so compatible?

John wasn’t sure how it all worked for trolls, but if Karkat’s strings of curse words and loud groans were anything to go by, it was just as pleasurable for him. Karkat was so freaking noisy during sex. If John were watching from the outside he would probably cringe a whole lot but when it was _Karkat_ it was somehow much, much more than acceptable. John was usually a more quiet sort of guy, but the internet had spoken and the internet had said noisier sex was SEXIER sex. So he figured maybe he could give that a try, letting out fully fledged pornstar imitation moans that got steadily louder as they started to move quicker, finding a rhythm. (John usually thrust to the tune of “Sex Bomb”. Karkat would never know.)

It was super important that they sustained eye contact the whole time, too. This was another thing that’d probably look weird to somebody on the outside, but was actually completely great. Staring into each other’s eyes during kissing was one thing, but that was pretty much nothing that compared to watching your matesprit’s every face expression when you were bangin’. The eyes were good, too. All trolls had pretty cool eyes, but Karkat’s were downright spectacular. Those flakes of red. Hell yes. Karkat leant down to kiss him and John had a slightly queasy feeling in his stomach. Like dude, everything kind of hurt but in the best possible way, he was so in love, he was literally lovesick. And then Nick (who was the biggest, hunkiest tentacle) squeezed the base of his cock whilst Howie was winding all the way round his leg and Matthew was brushing up against his ass and that was it, John was so done.

His body froze up in Karkat’s arms as he came, and shit Karkat wasn’t actually finished yet, was he? And Karkat was grunting that his stamina sucked bulge, and John just wiggled his eyebrows again and made the obligatory bulgesucking wisecrack. And then figured he’d better get to it! After all, he hadn’t had the chance to pay Karkat back for earlier.

Sucking dick was actually pretty complicated when the dick in question was actually five tentacle dicks! Granted, it wasn’t like he had to suck on them ALL AT ONCE, but there was still the whole troll-penises-can-extend-pretty-far problem. Literally chocking on a dick was a very real hazard, here. So John picked out the smallest one (good ol’ Fred) and decided to give all his attention to the little dude. He traced it with his tongue, starting from the very base to the very tip, and then took the end into his mouth. There was no point in trying to take the whole thing in, but this seemed to do Karkat perfectly fine, and once John had Matthew and Howie round his wrists, Bill and Nick being casually fondled with each hand, Karkat was totally a puddle of mush.

“Shit, John. Get the fucking--” John didn’t wait for Karkat to finish, quickly disentangling his right hand from the couple of tentapeens to grab a bucket from under the bed. John in a flash of cultural sensitivity, had decorated their bucket with various animal stickers. It wasn’t really all that SEXY. But pssh, buckets were never all that sexy to being with, so whatever. A bucket was a bucket. So yeah, he shoved the bucket between the troll’s legs, gave him one last push (with his tongue), and Karkat was over the edge. John watched him leak into the bucket with the same fascination he had the first time they’d done all this. It was just kind of cool, watching an orgasm go on so long, and John was sort of jealous. Damn trolls and their minute-long orgasms.

 _Eventually_ , Karkat finishing up, and John shoved the half-full bucket under the bed (for clearing up later, obviously) and put his arms around Karkat, holding him as closely as was possible without causing him physical discomfort.

“Hey, Karkat? I love you.”

“Yeah, yeah, I love you too, fucksponge.”

“Let’s do some post-coital movie watching.”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

 

_The End_


End file.
